Stop Calling Coworkers “Difficult”: What’s Really Causing Workplace Conflict
- Chrysta Wilson
- Jun 26
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 20
A few years ago, I facilitated a policy co-creation process with a large, statewide organization. It was a diverse group—racially, culturally, linguistically, and ideologically.
And every time one particular participant spoke up, you could feel the room tense.
His tone was direct. He asked a lot of questions. He didn’t hold back critiques, especially when it came to power, equity, and the role of government systems in community harm.
Over time, I watched the rest of the group subtly start to write him off. They’d say, “He’s always so combative.” Or, “Here he goes again.”
Even I, the facilitator, found myself resisting his voice. But something told me to pause and take a closer look. I mapped out what he was actually saying, stripped from the tone that people were reacting to.
Sure enough, the content of his concerns aligned with what others had shared in anonymous feedback: there was a deep lack of trust between community members and the institutions they were being asked to engage.
His tone might have been sharp—but his insights were valid.
He wasn’t being difficult.He was naming a difficult truth.
And if we had dismissed him because of how he was saying it, we would’ve missed the real issue altogether.
When We Say “Difficult,” What Do We Really Mean?
There are people who exhibit what experts call high-conflict personalities—those who thrive on escalation, blame, or control. But most of the time, when someone gets labeled as “difficult,” it’s not about pathology. It’s about discomfort.
Discomfort with how they communicate
Discomfort with what they’re calling attention to
Discomfort with tension we haven’t been taught to navigate
At Wilson and Associates, we’ve supported thousands of leaders through moments of conflict that initially looked like personality problems—but were actually rooted in culture, communication differences, broken systems, or unresolved harm.
If the first blog in this series introduced you to the Conflict Tax—the emotional and financial toll of unresolved tension—this second post is an invitation to get under the surface and ask:
What if they’re not difficult?
What if the problem is deeper than personality?
Why Labeling Someone “Difficult” Stops the Conversation
When we label someone as “hard to work with,” it does more than describe them. It closes the door.
We stop listening for what they might be trying to say
We mentally write them off
We shift into reaction, not reflection
We often triangulate—venting to others instead of addressing the root cause
The label becomes the story. And once the story is in place, it’s hard to see anything else.
But here’s what we’ve seen over and over again:
When you pause and map the actual issue—not just the personality—you often discover the conflict has less to do with who someone is, and more to do with what’s going unaddressed in the culture or team.
The Real Roots of Workplace Conflict: Why It’s Bigger Than Personality
When teams run into tension, the default instinct is to look at the person—their tone, their style, their behavior. But most workplace conflict isn’t about individual personalities. It’s about what’s underneath the surface.
To help teams move from blame to clarity, we use an adapted version of the Circle of Conflict, originally developed by conflict resolution expert Christopher Moore.
His framework identifies six common sources of conflict that appear across mediation, negotiation, and team dynamics.
At Wilson & Associates, we’ve built on Moore’s foundation—adding two additional drivers we believe are essential to name explicitly, especially in equity-centered work.
Here are the eight root causes of workplace conflict we help leaders and teams map:
1. Data Conflicts
Caused by missing, incomplete, or contradictory information—or disagreements about what data is relevant or how it should be interpreted. These often masquerade as misunderstandings or miscommunication.
2. Structural Conflicts
Tension caused by systemic issues like unclear roles, limited resources, hierarchical silos, or poor workflow design. These are often baked into how the team or organization is set up.
3. Relationship Conflicts
Breakdowns caused by miscommunication, historical baggage, lack of trust, or mismatched interaction styles. These are the most common (and often most emotionally charged) types of workplace tension.
4. Value Conflicts
Disagreements about what matters most. When people hold different beliefs or priorities—like urgency vs. thoroughness, or tradition vs. innovation—conflict arises, especially when those values go unnamed.
5. Interest Conflicts
People want different outcomes or prioritize different needs—personal goals, professional advancement, workload balance, recognition. When those needs are invisible or competing, conflict brews beneath the surface.
6. Behavior Conflicts
Disputes over norms of communication, tone, and expression. This includes how people give feedback, express disagreement, or show up in meetings. It’s less about what is said and more about how it’s said.
Why We’ve Added 2 More Conflict Activators (And Why It Matters)
After 17 years supporting organizations through conflict, culture change, and inclusion work, we found that two critical root causes were missing from the traditional model. So we added them:
7. Identity-Based Conflicts
These arise when someone feels marginalized, unseen, stereotyped, or dismissed because of who they are—race, gender, age, disability, language, neurodivergence, or other identity factors. These aren’t “personality problems.” They’re often signals that something deeper in the culture needs attention.
8. Power Conflicts
Sometimes the friction isn’t about the message—it’s about who is delivering it and who feels silenced. Being interrupted by a peer feels different than being dismissed by a supervisor. Power—formal and informal—shapes how conflict lands and whether people feel safe to engage.
By mapping the true drivers of tension—rather than defaulting to character labels—leaders can tailor their response, build trust, and address issues before they spiral.
And that’s how we move from personality blame… to structural breakthrough.
Case in Point: The “Defensive” Employee
One client told me, “We’re having an issue with one of our directors. She’s always on edge. We think she’s just not cut out for leadership.”
But when we interviewed her team, a pattern emerged: This director had inherited a unit that had been underfunded and overworked for years. She was advocating for resources, naming the impact of burnout, and asking her peers for support. But instead of being heard, she was labeled “abrasive.”
She wasn’t being defensive. She was exhausted—and trying to protect her team. What she needed wasn’t a performance improvement plan. She needed structural support.
It’s Not About Excusing Harm
Let’s be clear: disrespectful behavior should be addressed. We’re not suggesting leaders excuse rudeness, gaslighting, or microaggressions.
What we are saying is this:
Before you label someone as “difficult,” ask:
What are they responding to?
What systems or dynamics might be fueling this behavior?
What truths might they be naming—imperfectly—that we need to hear?
Holding someone accountable doesn’t require dehumanizing them. In fact, the most effective leaders separate behavior from identity, and address the issue without creating a new harm in the process.
Conflict Mapping: Your First Leadership Tool
If you’re feeling stuck with a team member who keeps clashing with others, start here:
Map the behavior. What are they doing? What’s the impact?
Name the root. Is this about miscommunication? Structure? Values? Identity?
Separate harm from critique. Where might they be pointing to something real that needs attention?
Create the conditions for repair. What agreements, norms, or coaching could support a reset?
From Blame to Breakthrough
When we move away from labeling people and toward understanding dynamics, we create more space for solutions, accountability, and inclusion.
We stop reacting to personalities and start designing better systems.
We don’t just resolve one conflict; we prevent the next one.
And that’s the real transformation.
Ready to Reframe the “Difficult People” Narrative?
If you found yourself nodding along, here are two next steps:
Take the Conflict Resilience Quiz to assess your current strengths and risk areas.
Download the Conflict Clarity Kit to explore what conflict really looks like in your workplace and how to respond without spiraling or shutting down
These tools will help you begin the shift from reaction to prevention. From avoidance to action.
Learn more about the Conflict Tax by watching a 10-min mini training here: Watch the 10-Minute Mini Training
YouTube Livestream:
Here’s a link to our Youtube where Chrysta Wilson, CEO and Founder of Wilson and Associates, did a LiveStream goes deeper than what's in the blog
About the Author
Chrysta Wilson is a culture strategist, leadership development expert, and creator of the Periodic Table of Great Culture Elements™. Through her firm, Wilson and Associates, she helps organizations build inclusive, high-impact, people-first workplaces using the proprietary T.H.R.I.V.E. OS Culture Operating System. Book a 15 minute clarity call with Chrysta by using this link:
